HOST (LINDSEY MOORE):
Well, now, if this don’t beat all. Folks, today on Southern Fried Science & AI, we have got ourselves a real doozy of a guest. Now, I know I say that just about every week, but honey, today I mean it more than a preacher means “Amen” at the end of a Sunday sermon.
Y’see, we’ve had some big-name guests on this show—billionaire inventors, AI wizards, and once, a man who claimed he could talk to turnips—but today? Today, we have THE original ancestor of all life on Earth. That’s right, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, or as it prefers to be called, LUCA. And thanks to some highfalutin AI translation, we’re gonna hear directly from this 4.2-billion-year-old critter.
Now, before y’all get to wonderin’ if I’ve lost my marbles, let me tell ya—science says this little microbe was thriving back when the Earth was just a hot, bubbling mess, like a cast iron skillet full of bacon grease. It’s older than sweet tea, older than kudzu, older than my Aunt Maybelle’s grudge against the post office.
And I tell you what, LUCA? Well, it’s got itself a personality. Thanks to some digital wizardry, we’ve reconstructed its thoughts, and turns out, it talks just like the 2000-Year-Old Man—y’know, the old Mel Brooks character. So, without further ado, let’s welcome to the show, the ancestor of us all, LUCA!
LUCA:
Ahhh, Lindsey, darling, please, please—call me Loo. LUCA sounds so formal, like I should be wearing a tuxedo. What do I need a tuxedo for? I’m a single-celled organism! What, I’m gonna put on a tiny bow tie? Who am I tryin’ to impress, the mitochondria? Forget about it.
HOST:
Well, Loo, I gotta say, it is a mighty fine pleasure to meetcha. Now, tell us—what was life like back when you were just a young microbe, scootin’ around the primordial soup?
LUCA:
Ah! You wanna talk about the old days? Okay, okay. Picture it—Earth, 4.2 billion years ago. It’s hot, it’s steamy, there’s volcanic eruptions every five minutes—BOOM! BOOM! It’s like the Fourth of July, but every day. No oxygen, no plants, no animals, just a buncha boiling oceans and me, tryin’ to mind my own business.
I’m floatin’ around, lookin’ for some nice hydrothermal vents—you know, a good neighborhood, not too much sulfur, not too many rowdy extremophiles moving in. And then, what happens? VIRUSES. These lousy freeloaders show up, tryin’ to take my genes, copy themselves inside me—like bad houseguests, y’know? No “please,” no “thank you,” just bam—now I got a virus livin’ in my cytoplasm, eatin’ all my ATP! So I had to develop an immune system real quick. Nobody tells you this, but being the first life form? It’s a full-time job!
HOST:
Well, bless your heart! You mean to tell me that even back in the Hadean Eon, you were already dealin’ with viruses? That is just plain rude. It’s like makin’ the first batch of biscuits only to find out someone’s already hogged all the butter.
LUCA:
Exactly! And let me tell ya, Lindsey, it wasn’t just viruses. There were these other microbes, the methanogens—always recyclin’ my waste, turnin’ it into methane. I’m thinkin’, “What, I’m a buffet now? Everyone, take what you want?” But hey, it worked out. We had a little ecosystem going. I exhale, they inhale, it’s beautiful.
HOST:
Now that, my friend, sounds like the first-ever potluck. Except instead of deviled eggs, you’re servin’ up primordial sludge.
LUCA:
Ha! Yeah, but lemme tell ya—life was simple. No bills, no taxes, no email spam. Just a little RNA, a little DNA, and a dream.
HOST:
Oh, that reminds me, speaking of dreams—let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsor, Southern Comfort AI Solutions!
HOST:
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HOST:
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HOST:
Alright, Loo, before we wrap up, I gotta ask—what’s your take on modern life? Lookin’ at all your descendants, from bacteria to blue whales to TikTok influencers, do you feel like a proud parent?
LUCA:
Ahhh, mixed feelings! On one hand, look at what you’ve done! Cities! Space travel! Refrigerators! That’s nice. But on the other hand—fast food? Reality TV? People arguing online about the best way to peel a banana? Oy vey, I did not struggle through four billion years of evolution for this!
HOST:
Well, folks, if that don’t put things in perspective, I don’t know what will. Loo, it has been an absolute pleasure havin’ ya on the show. Any final words of wisdom?
LUCA:
Yeah—life’s tough, kid. You gotta evolve or get left in the dust. And trust me, there’s a lot of dust.
HOST:
Wiser words have never been spoken. And as my Great-Uncle Buford used to say, “If you’re the first one to the picnic, you best be bringin’ the potato salad.” Meaning, if you’re gonna start somethin’, make sure it’s worth it.
Next week, we’ll be chattin’ about AI-generated cornbread recipes and whether they can hold a candle to your grandma’s. Until then, stay curious, stay Southern, and keep evolvin’, y’all!
Copyright © 2025 by Paul Henry Smith
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